The Legend of the Wet Humpster
Meticulous planning and comfy digs may be important to your reputation as the Son O’ Beach organizer, but vital to your rep is your understanding that every drinking session calls for alchemy. Luckily, Cleatus Winter is a mixologist extraordinaire.
As a man of leisure (read: typically unemployed or imprisoned) Cleatus Winter has put a lifetime of research into the famous concoction known as the Wet Humpster. Fluent in—and often full of—gin, vodka, bourbon and rum, Sir Cleatus set out at an early age to create the most delectable of delicious drinks. The goal? A drink that would pack a wallop disguised as a sweet kiss. And if everything went as planned for those who imbibed, blowing chunks would be the final reward.
The actual facts are disputed, but legend tells us that the original Wet Humpster was an act of desperation Clintus Winter, father of Cleatus. Clintus was romancing his middle school sweetheart and needed a little more help than his suave conversation and swank accommodations could provide. With only cheap bourbon left in his stepfather’s liqueur cabinet and some stray mixers to cut the gut rot, Clintus splashed together a quick mix of cranberry, lime grenadine, sugar and ice. Her reaction? Reluctant at best, but Clintus prompted her on, telling her it was " a wet and wild drink, baby." As the evening progressed, the high sugar content made her giddy enough to try anything. Needless to say, Clintus took full advantage of the situation and let Daisy grind on his leg to her heart’s content. Sadly, Daisy ran off later that evening, but Clintus "will always remember that dog" as he was known to say. And of course, the Wet Humpster was born! Cleatus came later, but family is as family does.
Over the years, Cleatus has been hard at work perfecting the Wet Humpster in the family tradition. Proud of the family drinks origins, he knew the clock was ticking away towards Son O’ Beach 5, and nothing less than blinding potency and full projectile vomiting was considered acceptable. The latest R&D session (luckily captured on surveillance tape deep in the recesses of EBE headquarters) started at 9:30am on a Tuesday morning—a good start for Cleatus as he had pre-ran all the bottles the previous evening.
Follows is a timeline of the day’s events:
9:30AM: With spirits and mixers in hand, Cleatus set out to concoct the perfect base for a weekend on Sand Lake. All EBE staffers know that pork is perfect for any occasion, so the day started off with bacon cooked in bacon grease.
10:30 AM: An hour later it was lunchtime. Cleatus fired up the BBQ and tossed a few burgers on the flame for about 30 seconds each side, along with some lamb livers wrapped in tin foil. The EBE staff uses corn to judge—and announce—the passing of meals at all times, so no surprises there.
10:53AM: Finally, with a suitable base in his ample belly, Cleatus went to work. The first round of testing was deemed a mild success. Good for the first time Humpster perhaps, but it left Cleatus less than passed out naked on the floor. The recipe consisted of:
* 1 oz. Vodka
* 3/4 oz. Raspberry Schnapps
* Pineapple Juice
* Splash of Cranberry Juice
Mix Vodka and Schnapps. Fill an 8 oz Glass with Pineapple Juice. Add a splash of cranberry on top.
11:04AM: As you can see in the picture below, Cleatus is less than impressed with his first drink of the day and has not started to wander around the room looking for his pants. But it is not even noon, leaving Cleatus confident that he is off to a good start.
11:27AM: Realizing the seriousness of the task at hand, Cleatus decides to loosen his belt and break out some measuring equipment. The perfect Hump is, after all, a measurable thing.
11:38AM: A new recipe is in order. Instead of vodka, Cleatus thinks maybe tequila is the key to success. Unsure yet determined, he finds a brochure for a vacation in Morocco under the Duffs catalog and is inspired. This time he tries:
* 1 1/2 oz Tequila
* 1/2 oz Blue Curacao
* 1/2 oz Red Curacao
* 1 oz Cranberry Juice
* 1 1/2 oz Sour Mix
* 1/2 oz Lime Juice
Shake with ice and pour into salt-rimmed margarita glass. Top with a wedge of lime.
11:53AM: Now we are getting somewhere! The second version of the Wet Humpster seems to have had some effect on Cleatus. Although still semi-clothed and generally aware that each pant leg has a corresponding shoe, Cleatus is still not confident the ‘wheelers will be satisfied. With high noon approaching, Cleatus decides it is time to get serious: He decides to start mixing liquors.
12:15PM: With high noon gone and past, Cleatus decides that the drastic approach was well worth it. The new recipe needed to employ multiple spirits—Cleatus feels it...he is close to the hurl. The following notes were found in his dungarees (when we found them out in the barn):
* 1 oz Vodka
* 1 1/2 oz Light Rum
* 1/2 oz Triple Sec
* 1 splash Sour Mix
* 1 oz Cranberry Juice
* 1 1/2 oz Orange Juice
* 2 oz Pineapple Juice
Pour into a glass 2/3 full of ice. Top with an orange wheel, a slice of banana, and a cherry.
1:07PM: Still not satisfied, Cleatus takes comfort in the fact that few men find success and happiness—let alone the perfect drink. But wait! Like the corn he ate last night, it hits him: Three liquors are better than two! Add a few cordials and it just might work! It is a long shot, but a new recipe is mixed…
* 1 oz Gin
* 1 oz Rum
* 1 oz Vodka
* 3 oz Raspberry Liquor
* 3 oz Pineapple juice
* 3 oz Orange juice
* Strawberries and oranges
Mix together, pour over ice, add cut fruit to top of drink, find comfortable seat and vegetate.
It was perfect. Strong yet fruity, potent yet stealthy. Cleatus, confident that his life’s work was complete, fell down for a rest. But when you have perfected the official drink of Early Bronco Entertainment and SOB5, can you be any less than passed out on the floor stark nekked?
Has the Wet Humpster been perfected? Did he chunk? Only Cleatus Winter can remember.
--this oral history of the Wet Humpster has been brought to by Dan N.
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